Amor Fati: The Two Words That Changed My Life

I’m quite nervous about posting this blog – it’s not a blog like my others where I give advice on something concerning mental health, it’s instead a part of my life which, after 4 years to this day, I haven’t really ever confronted. So I’m writing this blog as a means of coming to terms with my past and hoping that in doing so, it will be therapeutic to me in a way. And if at the same time it shows readers that they’re never alone and that there is hope out there for all of us, then that’s an added bonus.

TW: Suicide, eating disorders, addiction

Four years ago today, I was 17 years old and in second year of university, literally only two weeks away from celebrating my 18th birthday. Yet I was suicidal. Four years ago at the time that I’m currently writing this, I decided that I wanted to in fact stay alive, and this day is probably the most pivotal moment in my life so far. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in October 2015 (although I had been struggling with mental health for far longer than that), and on November 4th my depression had gotten so bad that I had seriously thought about ending my life. I couldn’t live with myself anymore, I had lost those close to me through struggling to cope with my mental health by using alcohol, bulimia, drugs and smoking weed as a coping mechanism. I was very rarely sober, I would go partying almost every night to get intoxicated to numb the pain and go home with a stranger to help take away such strong feelings of loneliness – and I eventually became so ashamed of my behaviour that I could no longer live with myself. I was falling behind on uni work, not turning up to classes because I was too depressed or anxious, and I just generally felt like a failure. I had thought about suicide a lot, but didn’t want to act on it until I was certain that there was nothing else out there which would make me want to stay. So I thought of one happy place, and if that place couldn’t save me, then nothing else would.

The night before I went to kill myself, I had written out all of my suicide notes, and my heart was hurting so much. I think a part of me always knew that deep down I wasn’t ready to leave this Earth. One person in particular was really hard to write the suicide note to – my flatmate/best friend who felt like a sister. Her cousin had killed himself after a high school exam, I was in Poland with her when she had seen his gravestone for the first time, and something she said kept echoing in my head: “if you could see your own funeral, you would never kill yourself.” After seeing how heartbroken she was seeing the gravestone of a cousin she hadn’t spoken to much until shortly before his death, how could I do that to her as one of her closest friends?
I had told my family that I was going to Aviemore (my happy place) a few days in advance, just so that if they never heard from me they’d at least know where I was. Things weren’t great between me and my family – my dad was the only one who I seemed to have a good relationship with at that time. He phoned me the night before to chat before I went to bed because we’d talk over the phone at least once a week, but that phone call was the hardest. My dad isn’t the sort of person to say how he feels, to show any sort of emotion or vulnerability, so when after chatting for a few minutes he asked me when I was next home and I said that I didn’t know, he said that he was really missing me, and it was so hard to hide the fact that I was crying so much at that because I didn’t want him to know that I was struggling, and certainly felt guilty about wanting to kill myself after he said that.

The next morning I left my suicide notes on my bed, took one last look at my room then headed straight to McDonalds to get a double sausage and egg McMuffin along with hash browns and loads of other junk food there as I thought that this would be the last chance I’d ever get to eat them. (Wasn’t vegan at this point obviously!) I’d gotten on the train and I instantly felt a deep melancholy when the train went by my student halls and Stirling, as it felt weird that I wouldn’t be seeing it again. The train journey was so magical, and it just felt great to see somewhere new and go someplace by myself, yet it wasn’t enough to make me want to stay.

Aviemore was my happy place because my family and I had spent a week in a campervan around Scotland and it was the last holiday we had together as a family. It was also where I went with some friends and an asshole of an ex the summer prior, and it was only when I got away from my ex (found out that he cheated on me there – a few hours after he was comparing my butt to my friend’s while walking to a lake – who does that?) I then found the lake with my best friend at that time without him and his friend, and I had felt so free and happy even then, so it seemed fitting to go to a place that brought me joy even though I was having a bad time.

When I got to Aviemore I instantly felt a feeling I hadn’t felt in a looong time – happiness! I got the bus to Nethybridge and was the only one on it for the whole 20 minute journey so I was talking to the super friendly bus driver pretending to be a French tourist (fellow language geeks will know what I’m talking about!) and it was starting to become clearer to me that with taking a step back from university and routine, I was starting to find my happiness again. Before I was badly depressed I was such a social butterfly: I was so bubbly and happy-go-lucky, speaking other languages or speaking to people from different cultures always made me feel so high on life. However my depression caused me to retreat into myself – I seldom socialised and had totally lost my passion for languages – so pretending to be French like before and chatting away to the bus driver was the first indication that things were looking up. When I got off the bus the air instantly felt so fresh – it was nothing like the air in Glasgow or Stirling! I then walked by where I had stayed with my friends and through the forest where my ex was throwing sweets at me because I wasn’t reacting to him comparing my friend’s butt with mine – how mature (!) From reliving weird memories like this, I was able to have some well needed alone time with my thoughts, and for the first 2-3 hours of the walk I was still so set on killing myself, but was finding myself more torn as time went on.

Then there was one part of the walk that just seemed to change everything. The walk was all forest and flat land until this point, so when I left the forest to find such a vast area of space with nothing but huge hills and mountains surrounding me, I went into hysterics of both crying and laughter. It was like this huge weight had literally been lifted off of my shoulders but the fact that it had been lifted gave me such anxiety because I had become so used to how it felt. I just began to spin around in circles laughing and happy crying at the sky because I felt like it was so stupid of me to want to kill myself when there is so much more to life than university. I had to take a seat because I was so overwhelmed that it made me so dizzy, but there I spent about 15 minutes looking at the mountains in such confusion and wonder, amazed at how just being around mountains made me realise how insignificant both myself and my problems were in the grand scheme of things. (Not in the sense that my life/living doesn’t matter, but more so the fact I had let university and my life’s issues get me down so much when the answer to happiness was in front of me all along: nature).

The place that changed everything – no photo would ever give the feeling any justice though! Had never felt such emancipation like that until that moment.

So it was at that moment that I went from around 80% set on ending everything to around 10% sure – I wanted to wait until I arrived at the exact spot where I was going to kill myself before deciding for sure. My plan was to go to the bench by the lake and overdose on painkillers and antidepressants washed down with a bottle of vodka, but when I got to the lake, its beautiful dark green colour made me forget that that was even on my mind. I sat there for like half an hour, no longer thinking about any of the problems going on in my life, but simply just marvelling at the beauty of everything around me. Such simple things like the colour of the lake and the patterns it would make in the wind, the sound of the wind making the leaves on the trees rustle, the warm autumnal colours of the leaves against a grey sky, the darkness starting to creep in but was still light enough to see, which gave off a very ethereal, mystical feeling which made me feel at peace as there was a stillness to everything surrounding me. Such simple things that I had never really appreciated on that level until then. I then sat with my medication in one hand and the vodka in the other, and just began to laugh at myself, that I was going to leave such beauty behind all because of university. I got rid of the vodka and put away my medication, as I had no desire to take them and in turn leave this life anymore.

I headed back and put in my earphones – I was practically skipping all the way back! I couldn’t stop smiling so much from ear to ear, and the songs I listened to at that very moment still give me chills to this day, and immediately take me back to that environment and the feelings I had. One of the songs was called Amor Fati by Washed Out, and when I was on the bus back to the town centre I googled what it means as well as the song’s lyrics: “Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be translated as ‘love of fate’. It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one’s life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary.” And I began to see my whole life journey as fate: maybe I just had to get to a point so low to put into perspective what really mattered, and the things that really mattered were a lot simpler than I would’ve thought. So I began to live my life that way – every incident, no matter how big, small, good or bad, as something that will undoubtedly push me in the right direction to where I want to be. I felt like I had been through some sort of awakening or rebirth; it’s really a feeling that I can’t even put into words. I now strongly believe that if I hadn’t gone to Aviemore that day and in that mindset, it’s highly likely that I wouldn’t be vegan, or recovered entirely from unhealthy eating habits, and would probably still struggle with addiction to some extent. I believe that I had to go through such hardship in order to come out of it as a totally different person today.

I didn’t have any food with me and only had around £3 as I didn’t plan on coming back at all, so when I went to the town centre afterwards to find food, I was blessed with such a simple act of human kindness but because of the day I had, it meant the world and was like the icing on the cake for me. I was going from pub to pub trying to find some food with the very little money I had, and after trying several different places I finally landed at a place called MacDui’s. I explained to them that I had lost my friends on a hike (obviously couldn’t explain the real reason why I was there!) and they recommended me the haggis, neeps and tatties as it was the cheapest on the menu. I was able to charge my phone, warm up and they even gave me tea and biscuits free of charge. We chatted for a while and by the time I finished the meal and went to pay for it, they gave me it for free; all they asked for in return was for me to write them a good review! I then left for my train with a heart that had never felt so full, and thanks to their kindness I was able to see that there is so much good and so many good people in the world! With depression it was so easy for me to dwell on the bad (and sometimes I still do!), but there is far more good in the world than there is evil.

On the train home I was sat behind two people speaking Spanish, and I immediately got so excited hearing a foreign language being spoken that I just joined in speaking Spanish. They were very clearly not in the mood to talk, but I was just in such an incredible mood that I didn’t bother stopping – they even moved carriages at one point which normally would bother me as I’m very self aware, but I felt so on top of the world that I couldn’t stop smiling so much despite that! Speaking with strangers and not picking up on the vibe that they don’t want to talk isn’t something I ever do, so I can’t help but laugh about it looking back – was like a ‘Donkey being annoying in the carriage in Shrek 2’ sort of moment.

When I got home the first thing I did was see my flatmate (he’s one of these people that feels like a sibling because we’re that close) and gave him the biggest hug and I had never felt so happy to see him, I was so happy to see my other flatmates and my halls again too! I then got rid of my suicide notes and felt like I had come back a totally different person – I’d never felt so happy to be alive! And that was the day that set the motions for how I’d live the rest of my life up until now. From then until around March I gradually weaned myself off of my medication and resorted to more natural methods (vegan diet and lots of time in nature), I began to drink, smoke and party a lot less until April and I overcame my struggle with bulimia not too long after then as well. My 18th birthday was 2 weeks after I had come back from Aviemore, and I had so many friends there that it really hit me that I would’ve left them all behind had I acted on my depression, and it’s for that reason that I say that that night is the best night of my life. I know that for some people mental illness can win the battle with suicide so for that reason I feel extremely grateful that I was able to push myself to find the very thing that I didn’t know I needed, which saved me in the end. Looking back now, it’s scary to think of all the amazing experiences and incredible people I would’ve missed out on if I had killed myself. I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend, graduated university with a first class degree despite everything, or travel the world which is my passion.

For every year that passed after the 4th November 2015 until now, I tried to treat it like any other day. I’d push it to the back of my mind as I didn’t want to go back there. Today has been the first time I’ve sat down and confronted my past, by writing this blog but also by taking a moment to feel grateful for every single thing in my life today no matter how big or small, as it served as a reminder of something that I would’ve lost entirely had I killed myself. When the sky was getting dark today I played the songs from that moment and it took me back there, and I wish I could’ve just given 17 year old me the biggest hug ever. I wasn’t able to go to Aviemore today like I wanted, as I haven’t been able to walk for around 6 weeks now due to an accident in Italy, which has also had serious impacts on my mental health, but although I couldn’t physically relive things today, I’m glad I was able to emotionally. Even though I still have bad days where I feel annoyed and frustrated at the fact that my leg and foot got 2nd degree burns on the first day of the well-needed holiday that I bought myself as a graduation present for getting through 5 years of absolute hell, I’m thankful that the mindset I gained while in Aviemore is still present- that I am taking all the bad days and moments as a necessary part of life to help get me to where I want to be in life, even though the reason is presently unclear to me.

Amor fati.

Mental Health Awareness Day

Although there is still a lot of stigma surrounding mental health, I’m grateful that there is a day dedicated to talking about it – struggling with mental health can seem like a lonely and isolating time, so when we see that it is actually very common, this helps us feel like we’re not alone. It’s also important to understand the difference between mental health and mental illness – everyone has the former, not everyone has the latter. So this day isn’t a day to self-diagnose or diagnose others, it is a day to share our experiences in the hopes of making ourselves or others feel less isolated and alone, but also to recognise that certain actions can be taken to help with our mental health, no matter whether or not we have a mental illness.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2015. At first I was in denial about it, a few months before being diagnosed I remember just being hit with these waves of sadness or anxiety coming from nowhere and not understanding why, and when I found out I was diagnosed I was in shock because I couldn’t understand why someone as bubbly and cheery and positive as me could be diagnosed with depression and anxiety. But look at Robin Williams, and the people I know personally in my life who are so happy-go-lucky but yet struggle with mental illness. It really can happen to anybody, and that was part of breaking down the stigma surrounding mental health – not everybody dealing with their own issues will make it obvious that they are struggling. Some prefer to stick on a smiley face and mask their struggles, others are more vocal about it – both are okay, but we all need to make an effort as not to neglect our mental health. Mental illness aside, things like study, jobs, family life, financial issues etc. can all impact our mental health – they can make us feel anxious about the future, down about the past or present, and this is normal. If we can’t sort any of these problems on our own immediately, there are other things we can do which will help us deal with the problem, regardless of whether or not we have a mental illness.

Something that does bother me about this day, or anything mental health awareness related, is how some people take to social media and post certain things for likes or popularity. The very people who bullied those close to me would post about the importance of good mental health – despite the fact that these very people were the route of the anxieties of those I cared about and would continue to talk badly about things related to their mental health behind their backs. Similarly, an ex-friend of mine posted something on mental health awareness day last year. To paint a picture of the type of person she is, she gave a homeless man a tea and bragged about it on Instagram (which in my opinion is pretty dehumanising), she’d post a happy looking selfie with a caption of a keyboard smash of the number of “breakdowns” she’d have in a day (and judging by the look of her in the photo you could clearly see she looked very mentally stable and most definitely didn’t know what a mental breakdown actually looked like) and when I was ever in her company trying to have a conversation with her she’d just be taking selfies… So she undoubtedly loved attention, and I honestly think she could be a narcissist. The thing that bothered me is that in her post on mental health awareness day, she claimed that she was always the one to help other people with their mental health and then saying that there’s help out there, you’re not alone, and “to talk to someone and don’t be ashamed to tell that someone you are not okay.” So I called her out on it – the fact that she didn’t practice what she preached bothered me. In 2016 I met with her to tell her I’d been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and had tried to kill myself, but she laughed then called me a “f*cking idiot” before proceeding to make me feel even more embarrassed and ashamed by calling me a dafty (idiot) while hugging me. When I was telling her about my struggles, she was looking at me like I was about to tell a punchline of a joke. So it hurt when somebody like her was posting stuff that totally went against her actions, and she didn’t even bother to take any responsibility for it. Instead, she deleted my comments and blocked me, and we are of course no longer friends. So even though the beauty of social media is to connect people and experiences from all over the world, it’s important that we make sure that we are genuine in what we say, and we don’t just post empty words.

Our mental health is affected by diet, lifestyle, how we spend our free time etc – if we spend days on end glued to technology, isolating ourselves, eating junk food or binge-drinking alcohol, we will unsurprisingly feel like rubbish and that will impact our mental health. That’s not to say that every single day we should strive to drink enough water, eat our 5 a day, spend our free time doing yoga and meditating instead of binge watching a Netflix series while stuffing our faces – it’s all about balance. I’m starting to learn that write-off days are healthy because we need to relax, not something to punish ourselves for because we’re not being productive. With that being said, I try to incorporate the following things into my day-to-day life (if possible) to help with my mental health, but even more so on a day like today.

1 – Talk about it!

This is by far the most important one, as not talking about it can lead to bottling everything up and make us retreat farther and farther into ourselves. I still struggle to talk about my feelings as until recently I had always associated my vulnerability as a sign of weakness – it is not. And if like me you don’t feel like you can always talk to a family/friend/professional about what’s on your mind, writing a diary about how you feel can really help. I feel like whether it’s talking to a person or writing your thoughts and feelings down, either way helps me feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Allocating an hour either in the morning or at night to write a diary is great for keeping on top of mental health, and means you can always look back on something to remind you of how far you’ve come. Even writing about happy thoughts and feelings and things you’re grateful for leaves something positive to look back on for when you’re having a down day.

2. Acceptance

This is by far the hardest one, and it has taken me 4 long years to only begin to understand it. I had always been ashamed and embarrassed about having depression and anxiety – in my last job I felt humiliated after having an anxiety attack in work and then being told to finish my 10 hour shift because if the boss knew I wanted to go home due to my anxiety he would’ve “laughed in my face” (in my manager’s own words…). Why was my case any different from someone wanting to go home due to an injury, an asthma attack, maybe even a severe migraine or any other illness? I couldn’t even call in sick on my bad days in fear of how they’d react and now I am jobless because I am so scarred from the way I was treated before for being mentally ill. This is why we need to break the stigma. So it was situations like that on top of countless others that made it hard to accept the way I was, or to accept the days I couldn’t do the things I wanted. But now I’ve accepted it’s a part of who I am and I’ve learned what works and doesn’t work in terms of helping my mental state when I am feeling down or anxious. And in a way, I’m also grateful that my body and mind show me when it is urgent to unwind and relax before things get too bad. Accepting that there are going to be bad days on the days you wanted to get much done is key to having a healthier mindset. So accept that you won’t get anything done today – order that takeaway, binge that Netflix show, take that nap you were putting off having. Tomorrow is a new day.

3 – Do something that makes you feel good

I was watching Eat Pray Love last night and a particular part of it struck me. An Italian man was talking about “dolce far niente” – the sweetness of doing nothing. He was talking about how Americans work Monday to Friday then spend the weekend getting drunk and feeling guilty for having fun. And its similar to here in the UK. So whether it’s waking up a little earlier than usual to cook a nice, healthy breakfast or taking a relaxing bath instead of a shower, or reading a good book before bed, or spending a whole day watching a series you’ve wanted to watch for ages but never had the time for – it’s time to do things that make us feel good without feeling guilty about not being productive in terms of work/study/social life.

4 – Spend time in nature where possible.

Nature is by far the best anti-depressant out there. It doesn’t cost any money, has no side effects, and is so good for your mind and body. It doesn’t have to be somewhere far away or hard to get to, even a 20 minute walk around the neighbourhood is enough. I like to listen to podcasts or happy music when I go on walks as well, and I feel like this makes me feel productive when coming back home. Leaving the house obviously seems daunting when you’re feeling down or anxious, but if you have enough energy and strength to push yourself to do it, it feels even more rewarding. If you’re unable to walk, opening a window and just smelling the fresh air and feeling it on your face is enough.

5 – Take care of your body

When we feel down we begin to take less care of ourselves – whether it be hygiene or diet. It’s worse when we wake up feeling down and simple tasks like brushing our teeth or showering seem impossible. If I don’t manage to do things like brush my teeth, shower, eat healthy, drink lots of water all in the one day, then I try to aim to do at least one of those things – although it’s so hard. If I’m lucky, it makes me want to do another and if not, at least I was able to complete at least one thing. If I’m also able to, I like to chop up a few apples and make a herbal tea, and find that this makes me feel healthier physically, which in turn makes me feel healthier mentally. Spending some time on Headspace helped me with practicing meditation (which I personally struggled to get into on my own).

6. Be in tune with your body and mind – recognise your feelings.

If you wake up feeling like crap and can’t bring yourself to do all the stuff you have planned, then don’t. If you had planned to see a friend you haven’t seen in ages but when the day comes you can’t see yourself being anywhere apart from your bed, then cancel and try not to feel guilty in doing so. If you’re the friend that receives a message like that, don’t make the other person feel bad – let them know that it’s okay and you can reschedule, and if there is anything they need then you can try to help in any way you can. Pushing ourselves to do things when our mind or body is trying to tell us not to is only going to make us feel worse. And we should never feel guilty about taking necessary measures to feel better.

So those are the things I try to do every day where possible. I’m not lucky enough to have a therapist or the ability to walk at the moment, which of course gets me down, so I try to work around that by doing what I mentioned in the list. This is what living with poor mental health has taught me: even if we can’t directly address or fix an issue, we can do small things that will eventually add up to help us deal with the issues in a healthier way. The climate crisis has also made me spend days feeling down and anxious about the future of the world, but this is something that isn’t in my control: yes I can play my part, but I shouldn’t take responsibility to single-handedly make a change and in part feel depressed when I see the world is only getting worse. Again, talking to people helps – finding like-minded people who also want to make a difference, finding out what they are doing to help: everything adds up. And again, it is acceptance that it is not down to me to make the world a better place – there has always been bad in the world, so why am I only now fixated on a certain part of the bad now? For the sake of mental health, it’s time to focus on the good and what people are doing all over the world to help. So my stance on the climate crisis goes hand-in-hand with how I deal with bad mental health days – acceptance that I may not be able to directly “fix” my mental health or “cure” myself but can in fact do small, simple things that will add up to help how I deal with my situation is personally the best step forward that I can take.

So although today is Mental Health Awareness Day, we should be trying our best to make an effort to take care of our mental health every day, even if it only gets as far as brushing our teeth in the morning before spending the whole day in bed watching TV. Even the person with the healthiest mental state in the world is still going to have bad days where they feel sad or anxious, we’re only human. Phone a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, take time out of your day to do something you feel like you haven’t done in a while, something that makes you happy and feel alive, make a plan to do something you’ve wanted to do all your life and make it happen – anything at all that makes you feel happy.

Balancing Mental Health with University

Even though I received my graduation certificate in the post a few weeks ago, it still hasn’t sunk in that I’m no longer a student. I’ve been taking time out to reflect on my university experience, but the main thing I could only really think about was how much my mental health has deteriorated, and I can’t help but question if my mental health would still be as bad had I decided to live at home and commute, or simply if I hadn’t gone to uni at all. I don’t like to live life with regrets but looking back, there’s a few things I think I’d change. Although I (somehow) graduated with the highest mark available, I’d be lying if I said that my mental health hasn’t suffered terribly as a result. And as much as I’m over the moon to have received such amazing grades which I never would’ve thought in a million years I would’ve been able to achieve, I do wonder whether or not I regret maybe pushing myself too hard to the extent that I prioritised a grade on a piece of paper over my already very fragile mental health. Going to uni at 16 and finishing at 21 was inevitably going to change me as a person either way, but I just can’t help but question some things and I think there is some advice I would give to my younger self about balancing university with mental health.

TW: suicide, alcoholism, bulimia, sexual assault
Taking time to look back on my university experience, I realised how much I’ve gone through. As a 16-year-old I felt ready at the time but looking back now, I think that I was far too young to have experienced what I experienced. I was living away from my family and school friends, had sexuality issues that I couldn’t come to terms with and which caused me to have rocky relationships with certain family members, I essentially had no place to call home over the summer months, and all of this inevitably lead me to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 17. I then suffered from alcoholism to help me to forget about things and to feel better (which in hindsight would never have worked…) and also suffered from bulimia as my self esteem was so unbelievably low. I had strong suicidal tendencies until just 2 weeks before my 18th birthday – I went to Aviemore to try and see what it felt like to be happy and ‘alive’ again – and when my 18th birthday did come, it made me realise how appreciated and loved I actually was, and that’s why I say that that night was the best night of my life.
Even though that was certainly a turning point in my life and despite conscious efforts to get better (going vegan, taking a year out to get better, becoming completely abstinent for weeks or even months at a time), no amount of self care could help me get better, and I’m not sure if in the back of my mind it was the fact that I was at uni that hindered my self recovery progress. During my leave of absence I was sexually assaulted while in another country, and it still affects me (and my relationship) to this day. I was then unable to get help for that when I came back because the waiting lists for counselling at my university are shocking, and before I knew it I had to spend a semester abroad in France which was absolutely awful. Due to constantly having to move about and not being settled in one place for an extended period of time (apart from Stirling but the waiting list times never allowed me to get seen on time), I’ve essentially been waiting for counselling for over 2 years now. So I wonder if my mental health would really be as bad as it is if my university played a better part in helping students with mental health issues – I feel like I had to deal with a lot of my issues on my own, and perhaps this is why I’ve suffered so much and continue to do so even though I finished uni in April.
However, that being said, I’m a firm believer in everything happening for a reason, so I’m thankful that I was able to take a year out to get better, or else I most likely wouldn’t have graduated with such a great result (or maybe not at all), I probably wouldn’t have met my boyfriend or have the amazing circle of friends that I have today, and everything that I’ve gone through has made me a very strong and resilient person.

1 – Always think about the bigger picture

The first tip I’d give is to always think about the bigger picture – it can be all too easy to get caught up in the academic world that we forget what it feels like to be ‘alive’ – we merely ‘exist’ and it can be so numbing. The reason why I went to Aviemore was because I had to get out of the 4 walls mentality – it was suffocating, depressing and I didn’t want to live a life where I devoted all of my time and energy towards being in a building 24/7. Although uni is important for getting you your dream career, there is faaaar much more to life than academia! Our health matters way more, and if our grades need to take the hit in order for us to get better, then let them take the hit. This is something I maybe would’ve done differently – I feel like I didn’t really experience much of uni life at all because I was so fixated on getting a first and not wanting to settle for any less, even though a 2:1 or a 2:2 is still a really good grade. I’ve just always been a perfectionist, but in times like those I think I maybe just should’ve enjoyed the ride and spent more time socialising and enjoying life outside of academia.
So my point is, remind yourself that uni isn’t the main priority, your health is. Looking back, I would much rather have had better mental health for a goal that isn’t as high as a first, instead of abandoning my mental health in order to achieve the highest grade.

2 – Spend time in nature

This one is sooooo damn important. Seriously. Nature is literally the best antidepressant we could ask for, but it can be so hard to know how to take the first step. I found that when I woke up to do a walk before studying, I already felt so productive and focused. Even if you go for a walk after studying or at the weekends when you’re not studying, being in nature generally makes you feel so good anyway and this is so important for our mental health. After going to Aviemore suicidal and coming back refreshed and with a purpose, I 100% swear by this as essential to helping with mental health.
All we need is 10-15 minutes to help us feel better, so a short walk in between studying is good too.

3 – Let your tutors/lecturers know about your mental health issues

This one is also suuuuper important. When I was in 2nd year I didn’t let any of my tutors know about my depression or anxiety and this caused my grades to be capped, to receive endless emails about my attendance, to have to go to meetings to discuss my performance and attendance – all things that I couldn’t be bothered doing when already dealing with a lot of personal issues. By letting lecturers and tutors know, it shows that you care about your studies but also about your mental health. It’s also best to meet about this in person rather than by email, and it is a good way to discuss your options should you struggle with assignments or exam prep, and they can maybe point you in the right direction for further help such as student support services, financial services or workshops on essay writing, balancing uni with work/health etc.
However from personal experience, some lecturers didn’t understand depression or anxiety and gave really hurtful ‘feedback’ which caused me to be ashamed of my mental health issues and made me not want to talk to anyone as it embarrassed me so much. But another piece of advice I’d give is to not feel ashamed of your mental illness/health – it’s a lot more common than you may think, and there’s so much support out there if you make the decision to ask for help. Asking for help is in no way a sign of weakness (I used to think this until maybe a year ago), but is rather an indication that you care a lot about both your studies and your health that you don’t want one to negatively impact the other.

4 – See what support your university offers

I’m not sure if every uni has the same help in place, but my uni offered ARUAAs, and those were basically changes you could make to your courses (extended assignment deadlines, separate exam rooms, extra time in exams, option to do class presentations on a one-to-one basis etc) depending on medical evidence from your GP or other medical evidence. I honestly don’t think that I would’ve graduated with a first if I didn’t have an ARUAA in place, so I think it’s essential if you have been diagnosed with an illness or disability which makes university life a bit harder than those without.
Also look into counselling services or mental health mentors – just somebody to talk to when needed and to motivate you when you’re not feeling too great.

5 – Take time out of each day to yourself

Also another piece of advice that I can’t stress enough. When I was living in my student flat, I found it so hard to make and eat 3 meals a day, do washing up, clean up, wash my clothes and have time for myself – there would be days where I wouldn’t even do just one of those things… Whether it’s waking up half an hour earlier than usual to go on a nice walk in the morning or taking half an hour before bed to read a good book with a face mask on, having some time to yourself to relax without worrying about cleaning up or studying is so important.

6 – …Or take a whole day to yourself

There were so many days where I had planned to get so much work done but didn’t manage to do any of it due to feeling so depressed. I’d constantly put a time on it like “in an hour I’ll try and do this/ by 4pm I’ll try and do that.” I felt like I put too much pressure on myself that I ended up wasting so many days in bed numb and unable to move. Instead, looking back now, a healthier approach would probably be to say “I’m not able to do any work right now, I’ll relax and do something to benefit my mental health and if I don’t feel better I’ll try again tomorrow – and that’s OKAY.” Once I realised that I was feeling that way because I was so exhausted and depressed and that it was okay, I instantly felt better. When we feel like that, it should be a sign that we need to rest, and we need to know that it is perfectly okay to feel like this. If we don’t make time for our wellness, we’ll be forced to make time for our illness. So if we need to take a day off to relax and have a day free from university stress, so be it – if we don’t do that then we’ll have no choice but to take time off at a later stage, and we won’t know how long for.
Dedicate a day in advance to having a day to yourself, as this takes the pressure off and means you can enjoy it. Uni is essentially a full time job, so time off is imperative.

7 – Realise that it’s okay to not be productive/ have a lazy day

Just like my last point, don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself taking necessary time out to relax or have fun. Just see it as recharging your batteries so that you feel more focused and ready the next time round.

8 – Try Mindfulness/meditation

I used to meditate a lot more before 3rd and 4th year of uni, and is definitely something I wish I’d done more of. All the stress can be so consuming and it can be hard to meditate when your mind is going crazy with deadlines and assignments. I found that taking time out to meditate during a study break was really helpful, and there was a part of my library that had colouring-in books and sofas and a general relaxed corner to de-stress. If there is nowhere at university like this, then maybe look into if there are any prayer rooms/meditation rooms that you could use.
If you’re not too sure on how to start meditating, I’d 100% recommend the app called Headspace for guided meditation. When you sign up, it asks you what you’re using it for (university stress/self-improvement/stress and anxiety/work etc) and then your experience with meditation and then when you’d like to start meditating (morning/evening, you can set alarms and reminders). I found that this was the best way to help me meditate because my mind was buzzing about too much from uni stress that it was virtually impossible to clear my mind without any help. There are also blogs which I find really helpful too!

9 – Find healthy coping mechanisms

In 2nd year of uni I coped with uni stress by drinking and binge eating before purging, and until 4th year I used weed as a coping mechanism. It’s safe to say that in the long run these did far more damage than good, but I tried to find some healthier ways to cope with the stress. Things like self-help books, colouring books, crosswords/wordsearches, jigsaw puzzles and journal writing are all healthy ways to combat stress and to help ease your mind. I found that laying in bed binge-watching Netflix just left me feeling worse, and I’d end up zoning out because my mind wasn’t actively engaged in the same way as a colouring book or puzzle. I also found that blogging really helped me cope with stress, and I use it as a sort of online journal anyway so that’s also something I’d recommend.

10 – Drop toxic friends

When I look back at my friends from before I took a leave of absence compared with the friends I have now, only a small handful of them are still my friends today, and that’s only because I lived with the majority of them in first year. When I was in 2nd year I was friends with a lot of people who also drank and partied a lot, so when I began to work on myself, those friends naturally grew distant from me as that wasn’t the life I wanted to live anymore (and it also made me realise that we only really had drinking/partying in common!) It can be hard to drop toxic friends (might do a blog on that at some point) but it’s so important to surround yourself with as much positivity as possible, and if a friend can’t understand that you need time without them in order to focus on getting better, they’re not a friend worth having.

11 – Take care of your body

Stress often comes hand in hand with unhealthy behaviours that make us want a quick and painless solution to feeling better. That can be unhealthy/binge eating, alcohol, cigarettes, weed, drugs, partying etc, but the nice feeling only lasts a short while and the horrible feeling comes after. I’ve struggled a lot with impulsive behaviour – if something makes me feel sad or angry, the first thing I want to do is something like the aforementioned that will instantly make me feel good and forget, but these don’t erase the problem – they just slightly delay the time it takes until you end up worrying about it again. I found that switching partying as a means of socialising for more relaxed environments such as cafes or flats was something my mind and body thanked me for in my last semester.
I’d also say the usual “drink more water”, “do exercise” or “get a good sleep” but I find that even though these help a little bit, doing these plus eating kale aren’t exactly going to cure your mental health… Sleep is important though and I was denied many a good night’s sleep because of the situation in my flat during the final semester (being bang smack in the city centre was awful lol) but I did feel like having a rough night’s sleep had seriously negative impacts on my mood and therefore on my ability to do work, so this one is super important. I’ll link a blog I have to my night time routine at the bottom which might help.

12 – Spend less time on social media/your phone

I found that when I looked at my phone as soon as I woke up that I was suuuper tired and felt like crap. So when I started to get myself ready in the mornings before looking at my phone, I felt so much better because I had already felt productive from getting myself ready, and this motivated me to be even more productive with my studies. I also think it’s so important to lock your phone in your bag and resist signing onto social media on another tab on the computer when studying, because this can lead to going way off track and spending hours scrolling aimlessly through facebook or instagram and then getting frustrated about not having done any studying. But this works in our favour, because when we spend what we think is only 10 minutes on social media but is really 30 minutes or so in reality, we appreciate that when we study for what we feel is 30 minutes it’s only been 10 minutes – time slows down for us and this takes the pressure off.

13 – Don’t put too much pressure on yourself

Speaking of pressure, I think it’s far too easy for us to get so caught up with uni that we get annoyed at ourselves if we spend time focusing on anything other than that. Constantly remind yourself what the end goal is, but as long as the end goal prioritises health over grades. When I started 4th year I wrote down where I wanted to be when I finished, and I said that I wanted to be healthier and happier than when I started, and I didn’t care about what grade I got. But then university actually happened and I got so engrossed in it that I totally forgot about the end goal that I had in mind before I started. When I spoke to my mental health mentor, she told me that recruiters and such don’t care so much about whether you got a first or a 2:1, they just want to see that you have a degree. She told me that she graduated with a 2:2 then did a masters, and even though she had to have a 2:1 to do a masters, her work experience in the field of study she was going to do her masters in was what allowed her to do a masters.
So, if I can give any main, final piece of advice, it would be to relax, breathe, realise that you’re more amazing and important and valued than a grade on a sheet of paper, and that even if you end up with an outcome different that the one you desired, there’s always a way around things. Although you should always have a goal in mind, don’t let the future consume you – enjoy every single second of your uni experience, it literally flies in so fast and is over before you know it! Spend time socialising and creating beautiful memories and friendships more than spending time stressing about the future and the grade on a sheet of paper – this grade doesn’t define who you are as a person. Just live to enjoy every second of university life so that when you’re done, no matter your grade, you can live to say that you got the most out of it!

My blog for a good night’s sleep: https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/156026599/posts/34

My morning routine for a productive day blog: https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/156026599/posts/21

I did it!!

So from now, I’m taking some serious time to myself to get better. I’m staying at home, finding new hobbies and languages to learn, going to the gym and spending more time in nature. I’m looking forward to getting back the parts of myself I lost when at uni. Just wondering when it’s actually going to sink in that I’ve finished! And very much looking forward to having no plans for once 🙂